Dear Preemie Mommy

Dear Preemie Mommy,
I'm so sorry. Don't say you can't do it. You do it everyday. Just getting up on some days is difficult enough and you do it! You do it for her.
I know how you feel. It starts with, "let's have a baby!" then from there the hopes, dreams and visions of your perfect little baby with their perfect little body and the perfect little life that you're all going to have together. Then one day, boom! You're sick. All your prayers turn to her, to her survival and well being. All those dreams, visions and hopes practically shatter while your sanity hangs on by a tiny thread.
Next you start feeling guilty. Guilty because you know that its your body that did this to her. Everyone tries comforting you by telling you "its not your fault", "there was nothing you could do", "you didn't do anything". In the meantime, you're looking at your baby through an acrylic box being kept alive by tubes, IV's, nurses and doctors all while "thinking this is my fault".
Next, they start talking to you about all of her complications both present and the possible future. You start feeling even more guilty. But now you're not only feeling the guilt of what she's going through, now you're feeling the guilt of mourning all that you lost. You lost your pregnancy, you lost the dream of the perfect delivery, the hopes of a normal life to come, the possible siblings, your gender identity.
After all that, you have now. Not only are you dealing with all the "mom" stuff, teaching her how to sit, crawl, walk, talk, socialize, count, read, sing, dance, etc. YOU are a nurse, doctor, OT, PT, ST, pharmacist, ambulance driver and social worker. Your schedule has more appointments on it now than it did when you were a career woman.
But everyday you wake up, you look at your calendar and you get it all done. You never forget the guilt, you never forget those words "let's have a baby" and you look at your daughter and thank all things holy that you have this opportunity. Because deep down under the big pile of shit that you put on yourself everyday, you wouldn't have it any other way.
I know in my heart that if Maryam was born to any other mom she wouldn't be where she is today. You were chosen. You were selected to be her Mommy because no one else in the whole wide world can do what you do. She is lucky to have you and you her, because without each other, you wouldn't be as amazing as you both are today.
Hope that makes you feel a tiny bit better.
JL

I wrote that letter to a preemie friend of mine back in April. We were both having crappy days and I felt this need to write to her so that she knew on some level, she's not alone. I'm not going to pretend that I know how all moms of preemies feel, but I think I can relate in many ways. Today I had a crazy emotional day. For most of the day I was fine! I was hanging out with great friends and enjoying the afternoon. I had taken Jax to an appointment for another renal ultrasound, and his kidney looks good. Its not any bigger! Which to me, means that the kidney has to be functioning, yay!
But on the way home from San Diego, my mind started reeling. The past few days I've been reading all these stories of former preemies who are now thriving adults. Its great! It gives moms like me, and so many others out there, hope that our little preemies will one day be like any other person. My mind, being as bizarre as it is, kept focusing on what Maryam used to be. Its Premature Birth Awareness Month and all the talk about NICU's and preemies has my mind back in December 2006 & January 2007 pretty much reliving the roller coaster ride of Maryam's life.
I know I suffer from a little PPD and PTSD and I'm not ashamed of it. I think both issues are very real and I'm aware that I'm not alone and that many women who have gone through what I've been through suffer right along side of me. But on days like today when I had to take my little boy to have another test on his kidney, I start feeling like I'm going through hell all over again, only this time with a son instead of a daughter.
I noticed yesterday that I started feeling a little sorry for myself. LAME! I've never in my almost 3 years as a mother ever felt sorry for myself. Mostly because I didn't know any different. As a first time mother I just went along with it. I was told that what I was doing was difficult, but when its all you know, its all you know! I have to say I'm very grateful to God that he gave me Maryam first. I think that had I had a 25 weeker after a 33 weeker I'd be bitter. I don't know how any parent can handle that.
All these thoughts led me down the direction of all the mommies out there who gave birth to a child, and that child didn't make it. For whatever reason he/she was taken to heaven. My heart goes out to you mommies. I'm still grieving a baby that ALMOST died, I don't know how you ever stop grieving a baby that actually did die. A song came on the radio today that I used to sit in the NICU and sing to Maryam. Just hearing that song took me straight back to those horrible days where we didn't know if she would make it through the night. I sat on the freeway bawling over something that happened almost 3 years ago. I sat there bawling even knowing that she turns out great! I was crying over the "what ifs".
If you know a preemie mom out there you know someone who has, at some point, had a day much like the one I had today. Give her a break if she's extra sensitive to "normal baby" issues or if she just starts crying from a tune.
Its Premature Birth Awareness Month. I hope my little blog post made you feel a little more aware.