Birth #1 Part 3

Saturday, December 9, 2006 Most people probably see the date of their first born child's birthday and smile, I almost always get sad. That day was one of the hardest days of my life. Just writing about it brings me to tears. My apologies in advance if this post is disorganized, written poorly or is hard to follow.The details of this day are very blurry. I remember Brett being there. I remember my mom and dad being there. I remember my Mother-in-Law there, but I can't remember if my Father-in-Law was there or not. I remember sleeping a lot because I didn't sleep well the night before. I remember having a very bad headache. I remember having a nurse that I called "The Oxygen Nazi" because she kept coming in and warning me about my cannula not being on properly. I remember coughing A LOT.I remember in the evening my sister called my mom to check on me and my mom told her to stay home that the baby wasn't coming today. I remember my MIL leaving back to Orange County. (she had been staying there taking care of Grandpa Langdon) I remember telling my nurse that I was having real trouble breathing. I remember feeling like I had a very heavy weight on my chest. It hurt to breathe, it hurt bad. I kept coughing.My nurse told me she was going to talk to the doctor. I guess the doctor ordered a chest x-ray because a few minutes later a giant x-ray machine was moved into my room. They had me sit up in my bed, put a lead coat on my belly, asked everyone to leave and took the picture. I stared at the clock. It was 4:45pm. A few minutes later everyone was in my room in a great room. Brett's friend Lou drove in from LA to visit us! I think he brought something. A few minutes after that, chaos ensued.My room was flooded with doctors, nurses and administrators asking everyone except my husband to leave the room. It was 5:02. They closed my door and told me I had pulmonary edema and it was time for my baby to be born. They said stuff like, "We can't wait anymore." "You did the best you could and the time is now." I cried. Brett cried. Some lady handed Brett some scrubs and told him to change. He opened the door, told my parents we're having the baby now. He apologized to Lou, thanked him for coming and went to change. They started moving me on to a gurney. Brett came out from changing and walked out of the room next to my gurney. I smiled when I saw my parents. I didn't want them to be sad.
My mom started calling everyone to come to the hospital immediately. I remember Brett's parents came back, almost immediately after getting home. Sarah and Scott came, Sarah said that Scott drove 100 MPH nearly the whole way. Justin and Lynn came. My mom told me everyone cried when she called them. She called Brande and my Grams, who both also cried. Everyone else found out after Maryam was born.

I got wheeled into an operating room. I had never been in one before! I remember thinking how white it was, how bright it was. I looked over and saw a baby table with blankets and a bright light over it. It seemed like there were dozens of people in there with me, but Brett wasn't. They asked him to stay outside. I guess he wasn't allowed in while they started my spinal tap. After they got my spinal tap going they were about to start my C-section when I asked them if Brett could come in now. Someone went to get him, he came in, kissed my forehead, held my hand and told me he loved him. He still had tears in his eyes.

I remember being asked if I was comfortable. I remember feeling very cold and shaking. The anesthesiologist gave me something for that. Then I remember feeling nauseous, he gave me something for that. I remember Brett saying he doesn't want to look behind the blue curtain, but he couldn't help it. Ha! I think he still regrets that.

At 5:26pm there was another person in the room. She cried! I remember crying and saying something like, she sounds like a kitten. I cried, Brett cried. He tried to see her. I think they held her up for me to see before I didn't see her again for 4 days. After that, I passed out.

I woke up in recovery with Brett next to me and the Oxygen Nazi next to me. I remember that hot iron ball being back in the back of my throat. I think I asked if Maryam was alive. I felt that guilt and fear again. I was very nauseous. Its all very blurry. I think my sister came in to recovery to see me. I asked her and Brett if they had seen Maryam yet. He said he wasn't sure if he was allowed to yet. Sarah said, let's go! And they were off! I think I went back to sleep. After I woke up they put me into a room. All I could think about was her. That guilt was back. I kept thinking stuff like, why couldn't I do this? Why couldn't I stay pregnant? Why does my body suck so much?

Brett brought me pictures of her. I cried. She looked so small. There were more wires and tubes sticking out of her than my mind ever imagined.

These pictures are the first pictures taken of Maryam. These pictures is how I first saw my baby.