Holding your baby is one of the most precious and amazing experiences a mother can have. Holding a preemie in the NICU is something entirely different. Its still very precious and amazing, but on top of those feelings you also experience stress, anxiety and fear. The first time I held Maryam she was just over 7 weeks old and still on total life support. The nurses had to tape her ventilator tubes to my hospital gown so that Maryam would remain stable enough to hold. I was only able to hold her for a few minutes before the stimulation was just too much for her.
I wanted to look only at her. I wanted to remember every little wrinkle of her face. I couldn't believe I was finally holding her! But my eyes kept wandering towards the monitor. The alarms were buzzing around me. The nurses and doctors and Brett were all so excited to see that the baby was no longer in the box! And I know they had everything under control. They were there watching in amazement as a baby who was so close to death so many times, was finally out of her box and in her mother's arms. My eyes kept wandering back to the monitors. It was difficult to train my eyes to watch her, listen to her, not to watch the numbers on the screen or hear the alarms buzzing in the air.
Here is video of the first time I held Maryam. The moment in time is one of my favorites. Enjoy.