Friday, March 23, 2012

"Woulda Shoulda"

With all this stress going on with Jax I have been laid up.  Stress hits me in my back and next.  This time it was particularly bad.  It started hurting right as we were pulling into town Wednesday night and didn't let up until Thursday night.  Brett took very good care of me and the kids though.  Thank you to him.  I hate when that happens.  Its been happening for years now.  Ugh.
But with being out of commission yesterday I didn't get to write a post on Maryam's "Woulda Shoulda" birthday.  March 22, 2007 was Maryam's due date!  Nuts, right?  Considering we celebrated her birthday over 3 1/2 months ago its a strange concept to wrap a brain around.
Had she been born around her due date she would have been born in spring instead of fall.  Yes, she missed a whole season by being in the NICU.  Had she been born on time the NICU wouldn't have been her first home.  She probably wouldn't have spent her first 2 1/2 years being fed via G-tube.  She probably wouldn't have had heart surgery.  She definitely wouldn't have had her eye surgery.  She wouldn't have needed countless hours of physical therapy and occupational therapy.
I sometimes think about what it would have been like to have Maryam on time.  I wonder if my water would have broke before I went to the hospital.  I wonder what a contraction feels like.  I wonder what "going home" outfit I would have brought for her.  I wonder what Lamaze classes would have been like.  I wonder what it would feel like to hear her cry and have her lay on my chest and hold her as I got to admire my perfect, healthy beautiful baby girl.   I wonder what it feels like to leave the hospital with my baby and not have to go back.
I wonder...

I don't know how long I'll celebrate Maryam's "woulda shoulda" birthday.  Frankly I can celebrate it as long as I want, I guess.  I don't think anyone would ever tell me not to think about it, because how could I not?

Today Maryam is a healthy, smart, beautiful little five year old girl.  I appreciate everyday of her life. I love every little scar on her body.  I'll never forget any of those days we got a call to come see Maryam because she's taken a nasty turn.  I'll never forget sitting on the floor next to the elevator waiting for her to come out of surgery.  I'll never forget the hours and hours of sitting next to Maryam's isolette. All these things are what make Maryam, Maryam.  And all those things have helped me become the mother I am today.  I appreciate it all. 

Maryam celebrating her due date from the NICU.
Maryam's first woulda shoulda birthday

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